


All The Times You Could Have Lied

by another_crack_in_time_and_space



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: And angst, Family, Jemima Walker - Freeform, Kieren Walker - Freeform, Lieing, Self Harm, Sorta Fluffy, also pain, of course
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-12
Updated: 2015-01-31
Packaged: 2018-02-25 04:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2608310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/another_crack_in_time_and_space/pseuds/another_crack_in_time_and_space
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Walkers, Kieren and Jem, are solidarity personified. Thick as thieves and furiously strong. If the time called for it, they would lie down dead for the other. Well, so long as they didn't get a huge ego about it or whatever. A collection of stand alone/sorta related chapters that depict instances of lies saving them, and yet the one time the truth couldn't save anyone</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bless Jem Walker

11:49pm January 13 2009  
He couldn't breathe. His chest was heaving but no air could get past his lips. His mind was in shambles, first too fast, then slow, then loud, a sharp screaming of fear. Chills slid through his body, regardless of his feverishly hot skin. Attack after attack his body was virtually drowning with anxiety. It was all he could do to not scream. The dark flooded his eyes, he couldn't tell if they were open or not. He could only think of being abandoned. He was alone alone alonealonealone he'd die alone with no help he'd die he should be dead.

He had to get it to stop. Unbidden tears of confusion and frustration came down his gaunt cheeks, his shaking hands roughly searching under his pillow. Closing around the hilt he drew out his knife and stared it down, his useless breath squeaking in and out. He shucked off his clammy shirt. He just had to get it to stop he just had to stop had to cut had to make it ease up had to breathe so he wouldn't feel alone. 

Softly he pulled the knife over his ribs, an easy spot to hide. Just a scratch. Annoying. He dug deeper and sent a quick prayer he wouldn't fuck anything up. This cut bled, surprising him. He always seemed to forget he had blood. Another, below it and he realized the screaming stopped. His thoughts were coming down, falling into line. A few more and his chest stopped heaving, air filled his lungs. Moving to the other side the shaking in his body had stilled. He was still scared, but he was in control. But he wouldn't stop. He had to keep it up. He deserved the pain. Why would he deserve to live?

In twenty minutes all desire left him. He needed sleep. Vaguely he wiped the blood of his rib cage and fell back into his bed. Just another rough night in the life of Kieren Walker. Just another night. He was fine. He was fine. One, two, three, four...five....six....

5:47am January 14 2009   
Jem woke in her usual slow fashion, stretching and enjoying the ignorance before the day hit her. She sat up slowly and dragged a hand through her hair. School today, had to get her brother up before he slept till noon again. She was still catching crap for letting him sleep in last month, but he looked so terrible. She stood, grabbing some clothes and ambling past Kieren’s room before she stopped in the bathroom. Jem opened the door to get him up, about to say something bratty as always when she stopped.

Across her brothers pale chest were purple scars, a bit too dark to ever heal right. Some were more shallow than others, but there was one across his left pec, over his heart that might very well remain forever. They laid out horizontally across him, moving up and down as if they deserved to be part of him. Each one she saw was a cut on her own body. She didn’t know how to handle this. What had he done to himself?

“Kier?” she asked in a thin voice, trembling like bloody coward. Normally a heavy sleeper Kieren jolted awake. He mumbled in confusion at his sister intrusion before looking down at himself. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck she saw it fuck he’d ruined everything fuck fuck fuck fuck. Kieren hurled a sheet over his chest and turned away, curled in on himself with his back to his sister. He’d be sent to asylum, he’d never see Rick again. 

“Kieren, what ya doing?” Jem asked again, terrified for her older brother. Wasn’t he the one supposed to be doing the protection? Her clothes tumbled out of her arms as she stumbled forward, trying to get to him. Whether to comfort him or assure that he wasn’t dead (regardless of his moving) she didn’t know. 

“No, Jem, don’t…Don’t touch me please. Just shut up and get out” Kieren said curtly, his voice remarkably even. She had just barged in, didn’t even knock, she had ruined it. It was her fault. “Get out.” He said a bit louder. 

“The hell is this?” Jem asked, staring now, unmoving. His back was untouched, but his spine stuck out, and she couldn’t help but put that to memory as well. What was wrong with him? Kieren shifted away, though she wasn’t very close to his bed. As if she could help, as if anyone could help. She was a threat, and she wasn’t moving. 

“Get the fuck out of my room!” he yelled, still pinned to his bed and tempted to start throwing stuff. Jem flinched but he couldn’t sum up a single ounce of sympathy. There was desperation in his voice that Jem could hear, a begging for her to not say anything. It hurt too much, but if he was going to be a dick all the better to leave him. Let him rot for all she cared. Jemima stumbled back, scooped up her clothes and listened for the sound of approaching parents. The fifteen year old glowered at her brother. 

“I won’t..” her voice cut out and she swallowed hard. “I won’t tell anyone you dick head, but you need some help.” She slammed his door for good measure before running full speed to the bathroom and slamming that door as well. What had she done?

Kieren slid out of his sheet and stood, staring at the door. Did he care? Maybe, but not today. His fingers skimmed his cuts. They reassured him. He could hide any evidence should Jem break her promise. He was safe. He knew he was safe. He could save himself and all he would lose was his sister.

Slowly, painfully he got dressed. Another day. Only another day. Another day in the life of Kieren Walker. Hair in place and boots on his shoes he stumbled down the stairs to eat breakfest. That's what normal people do. Toast or something. Milk. Just smile, answer questions kindly. What do they need from him? 

Sue Walker smiled kindly at him. She opened her mouth to ask what all that yelling was about when Jem came flouncing down the stairs, apperently passing up a shower. She snatched some toast and stuffed half of it in her mouth. She's making a scene. She's taking the attention from Kieren. He thought he'd die in joy, gratefulness to his sisters understanding. She wouldn't look at him, but she hadn't said a thing. It was all Kieren needed. 

Bless Jem Walker


	2. Tip toe/ through the posies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Tell me something only the real Kieren would know"

School was no fun place for the Walkers.

Kieren only had Rick and sometimes he didn’t even have that. But his loneliness was nothing compared to Jems. No friends, no one to sit with. They called her a freak behind her back, always staring at her as she walked through the halls. She almost couldn’t stop tip toeing through the halls even if she wanted to. But she wouldn’t stop really. She just wanted to be quiet.  She just didn’t want to stick out so much.

Lunch was almost always a disaster. Some of the boys would do mock ballet moves and die laughing at their own ignorant jokes. Gary would sneer in her direction but mainly half heartedly. When Jem sat down she was stared at just enough to get under her skin. What had she done?

At first she blamed Kieren. It was his fault. His art and his weird clothes and everything. It was him who did this to her. It was his bad reputation that got passed on to her. But the others offered him respect so Jem knew it was her. She tried not talking, talking to everyone, dressing preppy, normal, punk, hipster. They didn’t care what attempt she made, there was something about her that stuck out. So she walked on her toes and kept her head down. It worked more than anything else so she clung to it, just to get them to stop being mean.

Then her mom got all concerned, calling doctors and psychologists and buying dumb shoes. As if Jem had a problem. It was just a bloody trick to get the kids out of her hair. Kieren laughed at her but beyond that he didn’t really try to help her.

And then she began to crack. Classes full of strangers, feeling isolated all day, it all began to get to her. She snapped at her family more and more, hid in her room, stopped going out. Sue and Steve didn’t see any problem with her new behavior, seeing it as just their little girl calming down (“except that temper. Gets it from her grandmother”) so it came down to Kieren to address her withdrawal.

And Kieren was hesitant. When Jem announced her first boyfriend, Kieren was put in charge of a sex talk. He still questions why that particular torture fell to him, considering they were both into guys and semi clueless about straight sex. When Jem was caught with cigarettes it was Kieren tasked with warning her about the dangers. That talk was a bit less traumatic because they both shared a smoke and Kieren told her how to avoid getting caught. But this too fell to him and he couldn’t help but question if his safety would be threatened exponentially as he knocked on her door.

“Jem, it’s me.” he said timidly. Her soft music stopped and the lock rattled noisily. Her door opened slowly to show him standing there, trying to smile. Jem’s heart fell. Her trying to stuff the feelings away hadn’t been going too well. She sighed and pushed the door open wider.

“Mum?” she asked as Kieren entered and sat on her bed. He nodded. “I told her to stay out of my business. I’m fine.” The look Kieren gave her proved he thought different. “What? Everyone gets moody.” she scowled and fished under her bed for her pack of smokes. She held it out and Kieren took the box.

“Not today, Jem. I need you to focus” Kieren said sternly. putting the box in his pocket. She didn’t fight. “What’s going on?” he asked seriously, watching his sister pace.

“Fine, it’s fine” she said briskly. “If you’re here to just ask about me then I want you to leave.” she demanded, hand on the door knob. But he wouldn’t stop staring, deep brown eyes looking so fuckin gsad all the time. She groaned and slumped aginst the door.

“I’m just alone. That’s it. I don’t want to be noticed, not like Gary notices me. He just makes fun of me, but I need friends, Kier. I don’t know, no one seems to like me.” she shrugged as if the mere act of talking made her exhausted. Kieren nodded. It made sense. Her anger was trying to get attention. They sat talking for another hour, Kieren trying to console and assure his little sister, telling her stories of his still up and coming rise to popularity (leaving out the bit where most of it came from snogging Rick) until Sue knocked saying it was time for bed. Kieren squeezed Jem’s shoulder before disappearing into his room. He had work to do.

The next morning, on Jem’s plate was not the loathed “eggy bread” but a cd, innocuous and shiny. She said nothing, shoving it into her bag to join the walk man she found beside her door. A single note was on the inside of the cd player.

Don’t show mom, she might not like the songs.

Kieren

**  
**Jem looked up to Kieren who came down stairs quietly, sitting in front of a bowl of cereal. She wanted to see if he gave any indication away of what he had done in the night but there was only the vague shadows of a little less sleep to attest to his gift to his sister. He looked up at her and smiled before furrowing his brow and asking quite pointedly what it was she was staring at. Jem laughed and devoured her cereal before cleaning up and pushing Kieren out the door. They walked slowly to the bus stop, Jem smiling to herself, even though she was ignorant to the contents of the CD. She didn’t feel so alone with it and that was enough for today. Kieren stopped at the corner and smiled down at her, throwing a hand up and messing with her hair. She shoved him away, with a teasing “dick head’ before the bus pulled up and they went off to school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did everything I could do to hit 1000 words. comment in the thingy and leave some kudos


	3. Boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Being gay is nothing to lie about"

In some places there are GSAs, there’s PRIDE parades, there’s acceptance. But in Roarton...well the closest they ever got was letting Vicky Barnes take her date to prom when she was questioning. So this left the field wide open for Kieren to go tumbling into. A bellweather, a messiah, or a martyr, whatever fit at the time. Mainly it was martyr.

His school didn’t necessarily turn a blind eye but only so much can be done when Gary Kendall has your scent. He had an uncanny ability to follow Kieren everywhere, always on the edge of his vision until Kieren started cutting class to avoid him. That’s how he met Rick. Well should say re-met, they grew up on the same block really and had gone to all the same birthday parties, but as soon as Kieren picked up a paint brush instead of a paint ball gun Rick kind of vanished from his circles. But it didn’t bother him. Not really. Not until he found Rick again, smoking in the woods, the third day he cut french. Rick had jumped seeing the slight boy approaching him. He put out his cigarette on a wet rock and got to his feet.

“What you doing here?” Rick barked coldly as Kieren got closer. The voice shocked him, just a little. It sounded like it had in childhood.

“I’m just walking,” he replied softly. “What are you doing?”

“Well I’m just smoking, what’s it look like?”

“Can I have one?”

Rick narrowed his eyes and stared Kieren down, who kept his face blank as stone. So Kieren wasn’t really an avid smoker but he had to do something. There was something curious about that expression on Rick’s face.

“Sure, whatever.” Rick handed him a cigarette, reaching into the other pocket for a book of matches. Stuffing the pack back into his rolled sleeve he lit Kieren and settled back on the rock.

“So, whats up?” Kieren inquired politely, not really caring but not wanting to stand in silence.

“Still smoking.” Rick retorted curtly, and Kieren assumed that was the end of the conversation. He turned to carry on when Rick asked less bitterly if he wanted to get coffee.

That should have been the end. Kieren walking away, but it wasn’t. They had one coffee, and another, and another. They talked honestly, fitting together as seamlessly as they had as children. Only now something was new. Something was burning under the surface. They went out, hung out, started making out. They just weren’t...out.

Not until Jem.

Honestly everyone was to blame. Rick was too loud, Kieren left the door open, and Jem just couldn't mind her own business. She ambled up the stairs to his doorway, peeking around the frame to find her older brother necking with his best mate.

"Kieren!" She shrieked in her high pitched sixth grade voice. He immediately tore himself from Rick and slammed the door shut in her face. It was the only thing he could think of. There was a moment of silence, of "what the hell were we thinking" before Rick made some half choked excuse and fled the house. Jem jumped back as the door slammed open but she was smart enough to not say anything. She stared at Kieren with huge eyes.

"Did I do something wrong?" She asked, walking toward him. Kieren shook his head. The shock of what happened was dumbfounding. “Why were you guys doing that? That’s what boys and girls do…”

Kieren laughed coldly, not wanting to get into it, not now. Anger spread up in his chest. Jem had ruined it all and Rick would never come back. He was so stupid. It was all over.

“Go ask mum if you’re so nosy.” he snapped and retreated back into his room, shutting the door. Stunning silence met him. The past months felt so wrong, he felt so wrong. Why had he done this, why had this happened? Kieren fell against his door and bowed his head. He had really thought Rick would ever be comfortable with coming out? He had really thought they could have a happy ever after? Was he brain dead? What had he done? If he was prone to violence then he’d have punched something. Instead he crossed his room to his desk. From the mess he drew out a paintbrush and his oil paints, going to work on another piece of art he’d hide under his bed.

Three hours later Mrs. Sue Walker crossed into her kitchen to be bombarded by Jem, who enthusiastically asked why boys kissed each other. Just moments after Kieren’s door flew open. The boy jumped from his chair and turned his back to hide his art, another tableau of him and another person, who kept coming out like Rick.

“What on earth have you been telling your sister!” his mother demanded. “I don’t think any of it is appropriate from what I hear!”

“I-I don’t know what..”

“You’ve been telling her about-” here his mother lowered her voice “gay people”

“It was an accident, it came up in conversation. I don’t think its inappropriate really, mum, it’s normal-”

“I don’t want Jem to hear about such things until she’s older.”

“Why?”

Silence over took them both. Kieren wanted to come out so bad, to scream at his mother that he must not be appropriate either, but he couldn’t. Not now.

“It’s...not right for her to hear these things, Kieren. I am her mother and I decide. Not you.”

“Right.” He swallowed hard, but the guilt wouldn’t get out of his mouth. “Right, well…”

“What, something more to add? I should punish you, young man-”

“He didn’t tell me”

Jem came out from behind Kieren’s door and stared down her mother. Kieren stared at her wide eyed. What was she doing?

“He didn’t, I saw some boys kissing at school, I thought he might know...Don’t punish him.” she lied eloquently. Sue nodded, lips pressed into a thin line. She left without saying much else. Jem and Kieren looked at each other for a minute.

“Being gay...It’s nothing to lie about.” Kieren whispered. “Don’t hide yourself for others. Don’t hide from yourself.”

Jem nodded, though her eyes showed confusion. “Why do you lie, then?”

Kieren shrugged staring at his feet. “I just can’t wait to get out of here, Jem”

She looked around conspiratorially and ran forward hugging her brother. She mumbled something that sounded a lot like ‘I love you’ before pulling back and going to his door again, frowning at him.

“You’re so weird” she told him, before going down the hall to her room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So basically this thing is update as I can and I am so sorry that it's taken so long. I'm actual trash

**Author's Note:**

> so this is gonna be a huge thing (6 chapters?? 8???) about all the times the Walker siblings saved each other and the one time they couldn't


End file.
